


Because Miracles Don't Have to be Good Things

by minigyu



Category: Free!, Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Absolute Trash, Free! - Freeform, KnB - Freeform, Late Night Writing, No Plot, Sorry guys, baller homos, even gay buttsex, no relationships - Freeform, not actual smut, sorry i cannot write smut, sue me, swimming homos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 06:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3164543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minigyu/pseuds/minigyu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a lil thingy for an AU i described (on anon) for kurokonodrabbles (via tumblr)<br/>go say hello, it's a super great blog! (and i am absolute trash!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Akashi Corp. was the company older than your greatest-great-grandfather, with money older than dirt. that being said, the Akashi (bc i dont believe in making japanese names plural) never spent their money recklessly. Averything had 'purpose' (though family members often disagreed on what purposes were useful and what were not). Akashi Seijuurou was the first in the very long, windy line to use the family money for something without 'purpose'. "Destroy the galaxy." And with those three little words, servants were sent scurrying to space institutes and associations across the globe. Akashi Seijuurou himself was busy doing the calculations for extirpating the Milky Way, trajectory angle, velocity, light years, all that jazz that no one in all the fcking world knows how to do. He builds just the machine to do it, too. He finishes both his plan and the machine in a few weeks, at some ungodly hour, walks (absolutely) to the Akashi space observatory (bc they just have on lying around) and arranges the machine appropriately. just as he is about to hit the button that will destroy the Milky Way galaxy, he hears a flop and a splash from the nearby 10X-larger-than-an-olympic-pool pool. Huffing impatiently, Akashi turns his attention away from his beloved device only to find a mop of light blue hair belonging to none other than Kuroko Tetsuya drifting, face-down, surrounded by a shit ton of wet yen notes, in _his_ pool (don't even ask why the pool is visible from the space observatory, pls). Akashi Seijuurou sighs, rolls his eyes, and proceeds to exit the observatory after locking up his precious machine and his plans, in order to rescue his middle school cohort. As he reaches ground level and leaves the building, Akashi was startled to see a black-haired boy sprinting towards the pool while stripping off his clothes, chased by a brunet. The latter was calling to the former, telling him to stop, to no avail. Another splash told Akashi that the first boy had made it to the pool. Akashi had had enough of this nonsense. He strode toward his pool, outraged. His anger dissolved when he found world class swimmer Nanase Haruka hauling his former classmate and apparent yakuza boss from the pool, with the help from the larger brunet. Akashi was so befuddled by the sight that he just stood there, arms crossed, and called Midorima, just to regain some sense of sanity (and to possibly control his growing desire to scream because his absolute plans were halted for this absolute shit). (Part 1 of the AU... more to come when I've sorted stuff out for senpai!)


	2. Murasakibara is the World's Most Interesting Purple-Haired Giant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon Ramsay? i think yes  
> also, Tatsuya the failed theatre major- turned pastry chef,

All Muraskibara Atsushi wanted was a  _competent_ chef. That was  _all._ He had been nice all year and hadn't crushed anyone (completely), nor had he taken naps or snacked during restaurant dinner rushes. So maybe his standards were as lofty as his purple locks, but this was the culinary industry. 'Julienne your carrots or be julienned (and served to the customer)' had always been the thing. 

"Fu-chin, I'm going to crush you if you don't stop harassing Muro-chin- I don't care if he's quoting _Hamlet,_ you'll be a ham if you don't shut up soon. Then we'll be down  _two_ chefs, some French dishes, and a lot of pastries," Murasakibara murmured, a spark of purple flashing in his eyes. Murder was illegal, but he was scary enough to make most lawyers wet themselves and run crying to their parental units.  _  
_

"Murasakibara-sama, I've found a replacement chef for you since Okamura-san was too big to fit in your kitchen."

"Where is he, Ma-chin?"

"It's actually a she. Aida something-san. She's out in the back right now- should I bring her in?"

"If she's bigger than Okamura I'm going to crush you and then fire you," Murasakibara called at her retreating back. God, the people he puts up with for this business.

Araki returned, leading a young, petite woman with short hair clipped to the side with two bobby pins. 

"Aida Riko, reporting for the dinner rush!" 

"Ma-chin, you have a five second head-start." 

"Riko-san, I'm leaving you to take care of the front- you can shadow Wei-san today and learn your way around," Araki called, going back to manage the restaurant.

"Not so fast, Glico-san," Murasakibara put a hand on her shoulder (a stretch down for him, actually), "I need to taste your best dish first. I'm giving you an hour."

"It's Riko-san, not Glico-san! And I will make my famous curry and rice!" She proclaimed before hurrying around the kitchen. 

Himuro sauntered over to Murasakibara's side. "I've heard about her from Kagami," the shorter man smiled knowingly at the giant, "She's definitely something."

Murasakibara sulked in the corner for a good bit, munching on some PACKY before going to check on the new chef. Aida continued working frantically, pausing occasionally to analyze her work. She ladled a bit of curry onto some white rice, handing the plate to the chef de cuisine. 

A rather large spoonful of curry and rice, some colorful vocabulary, and a retching giant caught the attention of Himuro, who helped himself to some curry and rice, unbeknownst to the distraught creator of the food.

"I don't know why you're being a diva about this, Mukkun, it's actually quite good," Himuro smirked as he placed his empty plate on the table.  

A frazzle-haired Murasakibara grabbed the pastry chef and demanded an explanation, an antidote, and his immediate resignation as Yosen's pastry chef. 

"Just have a bite yourself, Mukkun," Himuro said as he scooped a bit more rice and some curry onto a new plate, and handed the irate giant a spoon. 

Murasakibara tasted it again, prepared to cut off his tongue, and found that, once again, the black-haired, level-headed freak was right again, "It's not bad. What did you do when I wasn't looking?" He turned to the confused Aida. 

"I didn't do anything in between!" Aida stated, hastily and defiantly, "But I did put some supplements in the rice the first time- I didn't have time to before Himuro-san gave you this plate." 

The chef de cuisine growled in displeasure and started thinking of ways to crush Araki, Himuro, Fukui, and Aida (not necessarily in that order) with no regards to his five-star restaurant. 

"Mura-chan, we're here!" A smile from a chest-high fluff of golden hair and wine-red eyes and another look of indifference and a nod from a pair of higher sapphire-blue eyes greeted Murasakibara from the back door.

Immense frustration grew into pure anger, and everyone took a few steps back as Murasakibara tied his hair back and turned to face them all with a murderous glare, purple sparks leaping from his eyes. 

"Haru-chan, you owe me 1000. I so told you that Mura-chan was gonna blow this week," Nagisa whispered gleefully behind his hand to the stoic, blue-eyed man. 

The irate purple-topped giant nearly crushed his kitchen and everyone in it, when Araki decided to check in before the dinner rush.

"I see Aida-san has prepared her dish. And with good timing- an acclaimed critic will be coming tonight, in about an hour, I think," she hummed, a faint smile revealing her amusement. 

 

~

 

The famous foodie Ryuugazaki Rei-san never knew how close Zone had been to not being moments before he arrived. 

He savored his food, was startled by a few winks from two magenta eyes and a messy thatch of blond hair that good barely reach the kitchen door's window. 

The night passed without further destruction of chef or client (or restaurant), and Zone retained its glory with still five stars all around. 

Murasakibara sighed and pulled out a Umaibo, the way other people might pull out a cigarette, and munched away, attempting to vent his frustration through his jaws and tonight's massive pile of snacks. 

Just another ordinary day with Gordon Ramsay in a purple wig on stilts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2 of this massive trainwreck. everyone get your kerosene and matches, 50% off. this thing (and I) are going up in flames soon.  
> i actually spent time on this one lmao  
> thank you for pretending to like this
> 
>  
> 
> **i know nothing about what i'm writing, so please don't quote me on these things and feel free to correct me.

**Author's Note:**

> so this is what happens when rei-kun is left alone with their (i prefer they/them/their so no, it's not grammatically incorrect- pls forgive me for being a dick bigger than nash grier bc it's late and i have midterms) nonsensical ramblings.  
> i sent and AU out to a knb drabble blog and the admin requested a lil thingy, so who am i to deny my senpai?  
> anyway, this is utter garbage. it belongs with me, the weeaboo trash anywho, please feel free to fling more garbage at me:  
> -here  
> -tumblr (b-i-z-a-r-r-e--d-o-l-l.tumblr.com)  
> -any other social media you have found me on. 
> 
> please excuse me- actually don't. i don't deserve it. i'm going to hell.  
> Thank you for scrolling this far!
> 
> **Also, i am a genderfluid ace and and an angsty emo punk rock weeaboo teenaged procrastinator, so feel free to hmu if u wanna shit on life or bad people (ahem iggy azalea, mitt romney, etc).


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